Deployment Customs and Courtesies Towards Spouses

Okay, I am going to attempt to give everyone the scoop of what “not” to say to a military spouse when their loved one is on a long deployment. In my experience some of the questions that have been asked were asked not to be rude, but were said to show interest, be supportive, curiosity, or even just out of shock of the situation itself. I am going to try my best to share some of the many questions and comments that I received, that put my emotions (that were already all over the place during the time of my spouse’s deployment) on a crazy tail spin.

What not to say to a military spouse during deployment.

“Do you miss him?”

This question came up constantly by many of my friends and family members. The answer is “Yes” I miss him, of course I miss him. My kids miss him. He is the father of my children. He is the guy I chose to spend the rest of my life with, the answer is “Yes” I miss him, and thanks for reminding me how much I miss him. I always tried to put a smile on my face when I went out in public, or was with my kids, but this question always brought tears to my eyes. Yes, of course I miss him. Don’t ask a military spouse this question during deployment.

“Do you get lonely?”

Well…this question should be pretty obvious, but to those who don’t know what it’s like to have your spouse half way around the world, not knowing where they are, what they’re doing, when you’re going to talk to them next, etc... You do get lonely! For almost 12 months I was alone while my husband was overseas. I went to bed every night in my empty king size bed (Which feels huge when your used to sharing it with someone). It is also lonely when you cook dinner for you and your kids and you accidentally set a place setting for your husband that hasn’t sat down at the dinner table with the family for months. The answer is YES, you get lonely. Don’t ask a military spouse this question during deployment.

“Are you worried about his safety?”

“It’s war people!” Of course I am worried about his safety. War is scary! War is dangerous! Soldiers are at risk, no matter what their job duties are! War is War! All this question did for me during my husband’s deployment was put me in a panic of worry. Don’t ask a military spouse this question during deployment.

“He’ll be home sooner than you know it.”

Okay, here it is. Time while your spouse is deployed stands still. You are so busy, trying to keep the household running smoothly, your kids happy and staying positive during this hard time, working etc., you don’t have a lot of free time on your hands, but still time has a way of moving slower than you ever thought possible. A deployment seems like forever. Especially when you find a little down time. Don’t make a statement like this to a military spouse during deployment.

“Has he ever killed anyone?”

Really? That has got to be one of the most inappropriate questions, ever. Not only is that a very personal question, but it is also a very traumatic situation. Who are you to be asking that question? I don’t want to speak for a Soldier who has had to fire his weapon towards a target, so I won’t, but I would assume that it is very personal for the Soldier, the Soldier’s family and hopefully the counselor that is helping a Soldier that has to experience such a tragedy and working through the emotions. So, don’t ask a military spouse or Soldiers this question, ever.

“It’s time to play, while your hubby is away.”

I don’t know about anybody else, but I know when my husband is away for a year I was doing everything, but playing. It is hard work being a spouse to a Soldier. A household of two adults, became a household of 1 adult, and in my case, 3 children. Picking up your Soldier’s household responsibilities while keeping up your own responsibilities is anything but easy, and it definitely reduces play time down to a minimum. Military spouses are also managing the emotions of the family members, kids, Soldiers and their own emotions, which equals to not as much fun as one might think. Also, I would rather have fun with my Soldier than without my Soldier, if you know what I mean. Don’t ask a military spouse this during a deployment.

These are some of the few questions I was often asked during my husband’s deployment that I would not recommend asking. It is a hard time for everyone. Although most of the questions or comments were meant to show support, it just brings up painful and sensitive subjects that would be better left alone. I appreciated people showing support where they could, but some things should be left alone and these were just a few examples of questions that tend to add more insult to injury.